So being past the point of your last loss automatically means everything is going to be ok with this pregnancy, right?? Right??! I know people are only trying to be kind and positive but there really is never a safety zone. Losing our last pregnancy at 15 weeks doesn’t mean that now at 15 weeks 5 days, I am going to give birth to a full-term, live baby. There is a small mental relief to get past the day of 15 weeks but I probably feel more anxious now than ever – anything can happen at any time, we all know that.
Last week I finished my steriod drugs that were part of the treatment my recurrent miscarriage specialist has me on and that was a big deal – they’d felt like somewhat of a comfort blanket as it was something new that I really hoped would help and it seemed they’d done their job – getting me to 12 weeks. But what next, what would help me past 12 weeks? Hope, hope more hope, vitamins and progesterone it seems is the answer! The only other thing to cling onto was my last intralipid treatment which I had yesterday. Before the treatment, I had to have a scan to check everything was ok. This is the first ever scan I’ve had to do on my own as my husband couldn’t come because of the nature of his job, so I was doubly nervous but I had no choice but to just get on with it. Luckily baby is doing great, right on track and extremely active! It was the first time in this pregnancy I got a glimmer of excitement as I saw its legs kicking away and how much growth there had been since the last scan. The excitement was short lived though – as soon as the scan machine switched off, I was back to pure fear.
Whilst I was sat hooked up to my intralipid treatment (which took 3 hours instead of 1.5 hours because of my “didn’t want to play ball” veins), I chatted away to the Senior Midwife who was looking after me. It surprised me that in her position, working in a miscarriage clinic, she could say “You really need to make sure you start enjoying your pregnancy, esepcially as it’s your first” – the comment really took me aback and as I started to explain why that will never be possible, she said she understood, but did she really? I know like the people who have commented on it being great to be past 15 weeks, she was trying to be kind, positive and reassuring with “you’ll start to feel movements of the baby very soon and that will reassure you every day, you’re past the real danger zone now…..” but I know that no-one except us RPL ladies will ever understand that there will be no relaxation until a full-term baby is in our arms.
I’ve spoken before about how much I want to be excited and plan for this pregnancy like a “normal” person but I’ve come to terms with not being able to be that way. My plan of ignoring it as much as I can is creeping away week by week as my bump grows and new pregnancy related ailments appear but I’m still trying as it’s the only way I feel I can manage. We are due to move house in the next month to 6 weeks so I have the house to start sorting out and we have some lovely breaks away planned including one this weekend for our wedding anniversary, which we celebrated on Tuesday. As we reflected back on our 3 years of marriage, we couldn’t help but feel sad about how much hope and expectation we had for the start of our married life and how reality couldn’t have been further from what we imagined! That said, we still have some very happy memories and are stronger and have more love for each other than ever and I am thankful for such a wonerful, supportive husband who is always by my side. I know people who have been through fertility problems and it’s pulled them apart so we are very lucky to have each other.
Things happen that we don’t have control over (as a control freak, that’s hard to say!) and we either sink or swim – I’ve never felt that I’ve swam but I have always tried to keep my head above water and my husband, family and friends are always there helping me. We have to be thankful for the good things that come out of the bad and closer, stronger relationships with those around me are one of those things.
New chances, new hope 