So I’m back! Nearly two years after our beautiful rainbow daughter came into the world. I can’t quite believe where time has gone but she’s grown into a very happy, funny and strong willed little girl and we are thankful for her every single day!
So why am I back?! I guess it’s kind of obvious – we’re thinking about trying for baby number two (que blind panic, pure anxiety, excitement, nervousness, you name it!!). Before we were thrown into the horrendous rollercoaster journey of miscarriages, we always envisioned our life with two or three children. And when Maddie came along we were thankful to have just her; a healthy, beautiful baby who we had once only been able to dream of. As time has gone on, and we’ve settled into family life, the joy of Maddie has helped significantly fade the memories once with us every day and so the feelings of bringing more joy into our lives, by having another baby have risen. However, this is really not a straight forward decision – there is so much still on our minds and so much we need to work through mentally before we decide whether or not to go for it:
1) The fear of miscarriage. Whilst we know we can get through it because we did three times, could we really cope with it again and it’s effects? My husband is still suffering so much anxiety as a result of our journey and even the thought of me being pregnant again sends him back to that very dark place.
2) The process of trying to get pregnant – the drugs I’d have to take (after being diagnosed with raised natural killer cells and having subsequent immunotherapy) – I suffered a lot with side effects and I’d have to cope with months of illness whilst having a toddler whom I wouldn’t want this to impact.
3) The feelings of guilt. I know it’s almost crazy as so many people have more than one child and they say you just have more love rather than eat into your existing love for your existing child but I have huge feelings of guilt about taking anything away from Maddie – she is our world. Yet ironically, one of the main reasons I personally would like another child is for her – to give her a sibling, someone to grow up with and share our family life with. I was one of six children and I have such amazing memories of being surrounded by so much love and laughter.
The more my husband and I talk about it, the more I think we know that we will end up trying but it’s already a rollercoaster of emotions! I think perhaps we are procrastinating too much and maybe once we throw ourselves into it, we won’t feel quite as anxious. Time can sometimes be our enemy!! What we have agreed though is that we don’t want to put ourselves through the lengths we went to again in order to have to Maddie so if we have another miscarriage, that will be it for trying. Equally we won’t go through any additional intervention than we did last time like IVF. Another baby will be an amazing addition to our family but if that’s not meant to be then we will have tried yet still have everything and more we could have wished for.
So next steps?! Will we, won’t we?! We probably will! Plan is to book an appointment in the New Year with the specialist miscarriage doctor who helped us have Maddie, run through the battery of tests again, and see where my body and our minds are at! Until then, continue to cherish every second with our darling daughter and get myself in the best possible shape should we do this!
#recurrentmiscarriage #immunotherapy #pregnancyaftermiscarriage #rainbowbabies